A Tale of Two Quarters

After watching two quarters of Timberwolves basketball this year and virtually none last year, (due to my location and the fact that watching a steaming hot pile of crap sit on a floor does not make for good television) along with the fact that I know virtually nothing about basketball; I feel as qualified as anybody else to discuss this year’s team.

Watching the third and fourth quarters of tonight’s home opener I saw two completely different teams. One was amazingly alluring and attractive, the other made me want to vomit, therefore for the rest of the post will be calling the Timberwolves Lindsay Lohan.

I’ll start with the third quarter. This is the anorexic, scary, A-cup Lindsay. This Lindsay could not find their ass from their elbow and committed around 63 turnovers in 12 minutes. I have seen more coordination from of a drunk with an inner-ear problem than I saw with this team. Mike James lived up to his billing of being a shoot-first point guard with little court vision (I enjoyed all three of his assists) and there was no flow with this team when he was on the floor. Ricky Davis stunk and Eddie Griffin was a non-factor.

Dwane Casey also made the interesting decision to laden down Mark Blount with weights like a horse after the first quarter. He was completely anchored to the ground and would be lucky to jump over a nickel (though he could probably clear a dime, I mean, nobody has that little leaping ability).

Quick sidebar. Kevin McHale – what the f*&%?

And where was Kevin Garnett when this was all happening? He was on the floor the entire time, but you wouldn’t know it. How does your all-everything player take the fifth most shots for your team in the game.

Then after some choice words by Mr. G; full-figured, amazingly hot Lindsay showed up flashing cleavage, making men drool. This Lindsay started with Marco Jaric, Troy Hudson and Craig Smith on the floor. Jaric and Hudson played fantastic. Smith played well until I blinked and he had six fouls. Most importantly though, this was the quarter KG let loose.

On defense, Jaric, Garnett and Trenton Hassell played great causing around a dozen turnovers, holding the Kings to only 17 points in the quarter. Hudson made open jumpers like it was way back in the spring of 2004, and Cassell had to use both hands to carry his ginormous berries down the court. (Alright, I made that last part up)

End result Lindsay 92 – The Maloofs (aka the luckiest men alive) 83. Lindsay 1-0 on the season.